You see, I'm having a baby, a little boy. He's probably around three pounds now, and I'm about 30 weeks--entering the final stretch! At first, all we did was worry. I cried daily, often multiple times during the day. Partly it was because I was so happy, but mostly it was because I know what losing that happiness feels like, so I mourned in advance at the thought of losing my current baby, for my past ones and everything in between. We had extra, carefully-timed ultrasounds so we wouldn't have too long in between without knowing if baby was alive, or if the unthinkable had happened again.
Eventually, the hardest part of this pregnancy passed, and I could feel my body's precious cargo poking, kicking and moving about. What glory! I'm in awe, even today! And I look at my belly now in amazement. I feel I knew my body could do this again! I knew it!
But there's this THING still nagging at me. It's the hurt and worry, and I don't know exactly how to rid of it, so it seems, I can't. I can't ignore it and think it'll go away. It's frustrating because I want my innocence back. I want to be in middle of the ignorant bliss of my first perfect pregnancy and birth.
Friends are having a shower for me, and I'm so happy, but it's choking me up. I've started crying about it even though it's weeks in the future, and what if I can't even attend my own shower? What if I cry the whole way there, try to get out of the car and my knees buckle? And how do I explain all of this to my dear friends? That I couldn't be happier, that I want this more than anything! To celebrate a pregnancy with loved ones instead of crying over one is such a great joy! But I'm scared too. It's this "thing" I can't fix and won't go away. So now I've let that out, and surely it will be easier from here.
Today is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day, which, believe it or not, wasn't even planned for this post! On this day, all over, women and their families will light candles at 7 p.m. and leave them burning for at least one hour. In so doing, a continuous light will glow in honor and memory of the children we are a missing.