Monday, September 6, 2010

Happy Labor Day or... September 7, 2010 was my due date

I had planned a big post about how it all made me feel, what transpired and how things are now. I was going to write about emotions, partial molar pregnancies, the contractions while waiting to go in for the D&C procedure, seeing the little heartbeat and mass (benign tumor) on the ultrasound, how it affected our marriage, HCG hormone levels, my wonderful midwives, coping with miscarriage, but I've changed my mind. By about three months afterward, I knew I'd never be writing any such entry.

Just the same, though, I'm putting it here in public. If someone comes across the post who needs it, it is here, even a day early, just in case.

My friend told me about how when you have a miscarriage, you can still give the "thing" a name--you might not like "thing," but to me, it no longer seems like it was a person. It's about feelings, not science. So, we named it Willow because it's gender-neutral, and we both love the tree that sways, whispers...  we can just say, "back when we had willow." My friend told me we could choose a box for Willow, put all her things in it, and when we want to remember him, we can just open the box. His box allows for closure and keeps her safely in one place. Took the above picture today, but mostly this thing, Willow, stays on the shelf.
Closed.
Because we are too busy living.

5 comments:

Gabrielle said...

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing something so intimate with others. You may never know how it helps someone else going through a similar experience.

You are braver than you realize!

bluefrog said...

I too experienced two miscarriages--one naturally and one had to be a D&C. Both were close to the second trimester. Since my first was in October, I decided to plant bulbs in honor of my lost flower. I had bought red tulips, but they came up a beautiful feuschia--all except one perfectly white tulip. I was in awe of the symbolism of my one white tulip and decided to write about it. That was my first published work and launched my freelance writing career. If you'd like to read it sometime, let me know. There's always beauty in even our biggest disappointments. Hang in there!

Mamabelle said...

I would Love to read your story!

bluefrog said...

Here you go: http://bluefrogcreations.blogspot.com/2010/09/one-perfect-white-tulip.html

Let me know if you want to chat.

Katie said...

The box is such a great idea. Thanks for sharing it. I remember hugging you the day you told me, it was the 1 year anniversary the loss of my third pregnancy. It is always good to hug someone who shares an understanding of such a profound loss.
It makes me thankful everyday for continued healing and the three children I do get hold everyday.